No Angels
by sf
Summary: All powerful moronic original female characters that fall in love with Sanzo just one, actually... yep, this is a Mary Sue. Irredeemably badfic ahead. Holy cow! The sequel continues!
1. Chapter 1

Thanks to the Terrible people who read my blog, I decided to go ahead and post this here :P.

****

Disclaimer :

We make no pretenses. This is a *MARY-SUE*. Scream and run away NOW. For those of you brave enough to venture forth, beware of extreme cheesiness, fangirl japanese and all other elements characteristic of a Mary-Sue, self insert, Sanzo + original character fic. Don't say that we didn't warn you.

****

The REAL Disclaimer :

This is bound to offend at least a few people. This is bound to be viewed as 'an absolute piece of rot and a waste of time' by people who've sadly, missed my point completely and should never, ever offer Literature as a subject at any level of education. If that is so, feel free not to read it, the same way I feel free not to read a large number of fics here any more.

If you wish to flame/rant/vent, I will not say useless things like 'do not flame me', because I respect your right to your own opinion. However, to quote from a friend who was quoting from Pat Barker's 'Regeneration' -- "You must speak, but I will not listen to anything you have to say." 

__

Do not stand by my grave and weep;  
I am not there, I do not sleep.  
Do not stand by my fic and swear;  
I am not here, I do not care.

-- Quoted and mutilated from a poem whose name and poet I do not remember.

****

Rating : PG-13 for swearing. For the other stuff, I would have used NC-99, but ff.net doesn't have that capability... so I'll settle for PG-Sense of Humor required.

Genre : **PARODY/HUMOR** - Pay attention to this, and think about it.

Warnings : SARCASM. Swearing. Typos, because I belted this out as fast as I could type. ROMANCE! Sanzo + fs, because, no matter how *HARD* I try, I can't write Sanzo x *anyone*. *URGH*. Let's not go there.

sf works presents :  
**No Angels**, a self-insert ficlet.

--

****

PROLOGUE

fs awoke with a massive, splitting headache. Ow! She had fallen out of Heaven and landed smack BANG on her ASS in this lousy excuse for a place... Of course, this explained the ass-ache, but didn't remotely explain the headache, but well, this was an MS fic, after all. 

"Oh blast. This is Earth, isn't it? What the Hell am I doing here? I miss Heaven, I miss my Mummy and my Daddy and my Doggy and my Tortoise and my pet Goldfish named Bubbles..."

Then, she remembered.

"6&#$%@#$@#$&*@#$, I have to hunt down Sanzo and get him to *WHAT*?" fs smacked her forehead in frustration. "What miserable excuse for a joke is this? SANZO? Why not HAKKAI? Or GOJYO? Or.. or... ah, damn, Goku's way too young..." 

Then, just to make sure that there was a plot, she forgot everthing again.

****

  
CHAPTER 1

Jiipu trundled along. In the back, Goku and Gojyo were quarreling again.

Goku : *quarrel quarrel quarrel ero-kappa-horny-cockroach-etc-etc*

Gojyo : *quarrel quarrel quarrel baka-zaru-dumbass-ape-etc-etc*

Sanzo : URUSAI! *stands* *WHACK WHACK WHACK* *sits down again*.

Goku : Ne, Sanzo, I'm hungry!

Sanzo : URUSAI! *stands* *WHACK WHACK WHACK* *sits down again*.

Gojyo : *makes random wisecrack about Sanzo-sama*.

Sanzo : URUSAI! *stands* *WHACK WHACK WHACK-----

--Hakkai slammed hard on the brakes, and Sanzo, being the dude who has a _56 cm waist_, promptly went flying. 

*slam slam slam roll roll roll*

Sanzn groaned. "I just got tossed out of the jeep and I've broken half a dozen bones. This is so $%#$@# lame."

Hakkai leapt out of the Jiipu. "Sanzo! Daijoubu desu ka?" And, without waiting for an answer, exerted the Incredible Hakkai Healing Prowess. *zing!* and Sanzo was back to 200% Health, Super-charged, and Ready to Rock.

"Eh? What's this?" Sanzo noticed a girl on the ground. "Ah, who cares, let's go."

Goku intervened immediately, belting out his lines as fast as possible (since he couldn't stand them, any way.) "No! We can't do that! She's injured -- look at that massive bruise on her ass, no wait, I can't see her ass, but look at that massive bruise that *should* be on her ass. Falling from 70,000 feet isn't fun, you know. Let's take her to the nearest town and nurse her back to health."

"What the--" Sanzo's solitary attempt to argue the issue was cut off by Hakkai's swift intervention.

"--I second the motion. She might be badly hurt. Besides... she's Someone Special. The wings and the flashy lights are ... fairly blatant."

"Yeah, we can't just leave her here," Gojyo said, inserting a random comment into the issue.

Sanzo, hopelessly overruled and bond by the rules of the fic, just shrugged and headed back to the Jeep. 

So they loaded up the Mysterious Girl, and headed for the town that was conveniently situated just an hour's drive away.

***


	2. Chapter 2

****

CHAPTER 2

fs woke up. "Damn. My ass hurts, I don't know where I am, and all I know is that I have this stupid mission to complete, but I can't remember *WHAT*." So she sat in bed and waited for something to happen.

Hakkai, predictably enough, appeared. "Daijoubu desu ka, angel-san?"

"What the *bleep* are you saying?"

"Anou.. gomen nasai, boku wa Hakkai desu--"

"No, I *said*, what the HELL are you muttering? I don't understand a damn word you're saying!"

Hakkai smiled, and because he had to do it at least once in the fic, sweatdropped. "To cut a long story short, I'm Cho Hakkai, your appointed doctor for the day. I said : Are you feeling better?"

"Well, NO. My butt's bruised, I have no freaking clue where I am or what I'm supposed to do next--"

"Oh, I'm so glad to hear that you're better," Hakkai said ruthlessly, a little impolite in his hurry to get out of the crazy MS fic. "Would you care to join us for dinner? We're just downstairs." 

"I need something to wear. I had a perfectly good number 2 uniform, but it took some abuse on the way down."

"I see," Hakkai replied, and produced a Beautiful Purple Dress out of Nowhere. "Will this suffice? It matches the color of your eyes."

"No, damnit," fs muttered, but because it was a MS fic, put it on anyway. And so, unsuitably garbed, she made her way downstairs.

***


	3. Chapter 3

****

CHAPTER 3

They were eating. Rather, Hakkai was eating, Sanzo was smoking, Goku was stuffing his face, and Gojyo was fighting with Goku.

Goku, in between mouthfuls : *quarrel quarrel quarrel That's-mine-gimme-ero-kappa-horny-cockroach-etc-etc*

Gojyo, holding a morsel out of reach : *quarrel quarrel quarrel Come-and-get-it-baka-zaru-dumbass-ape-etc-etc*

Sanzo : URUSAI! *stands* *WHACK WHACK WHACK* *sits down again*.

Goku : Ne, Sanzo, I'm hungry!

Sanzo : URUSAI! *stands* *WHACK WHACK WHACK* *sits down again*.

Gojyo : *makes random wisecrack about Sanzo-sama*.

Sanzo : URUSAI! *stands* *WHACK WHACK WHACK-----

At this point in time, fs made a grand entrance from the stairs. Lights flashed. Glass cracked. Sanzo's jaw dropped. And then, just because he had to, he smiled.

(sf : WAHHHHHHH, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!!!!!

Muse : Jia you! We can do it!)

Gojyo nudged Hakkai. "Sanzo-sama has Something for our little angel."

Hakkai nudged Gojyo back in a *cough* delicate place. "No, Sanzo-sama hates her already."

And, since they weren't needed any more, Gojyo and Hakkai disappeared into a discrete room to continue their *cough* nudging. Goku continued to stuff his face. 

Then, a Random Memory struck Sanzo. 

It struck fs at the same time. As one, they went :

"Oh *shit*, I know you!"

fs glared at Sanzo. "All because of my angsty past, I hate you!"

Sanzo glared back. "And just because I'm a bastard, I hate you too!"

Together, they glared at each other. "I hate you!"

Goku decided to make a discrete exit at this point in time.

And then........ 

It started raining. Pouring. Thundering. Lightning-ing. 

Sanzo glared at fs. fs glared at Sanzo. As one, they both had the incredible urge to get drunk. So they picked up a bottle of Absolut Vodka each, and headed back to their rooms. By some surge of bad luck, Sanzo's room was situated right next to fs's.

To be continued!

So, who do you think will end up with fs? Tune in next chapter to find it. *nudge nudge hint hint* btw, it's fixed as Sanzo-sama so your input won't matter a smidgen, but I want to know your opinion anywayz!!!! 

(Incidently, notice that they still haven't asked her for her name XD.)

sf : ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


	4. Chapter 4

*bows*. My thanks to all my brilliant reviewers. Half the fun of this fic comes from the perverse enjoyment I'm getting out of writing it, and the other half comes from reading those wonderful reviews. Go read them, if you haven't already. They're works of art. *runs off sniggering*.

Same disclaimers apply : This Fic is Not As Innocent As It Looks. Sf is being sarcastic and nasty and downright mean in writing it. sf has mutilated a perfectly good poem because of it. sf is laughing all the way to the... er... wherever fanfic authors go to count their profits. (What profits?)

If you haven't already guessed, it's Sanzo + fs (DUH!) because I can't find a more unlikely pairing in the entire series. General apology to Sanzo-sama : I'm so sorry.. I would have spared you the trauma if I could, but it was too good an opportunity to pass up. 

And so The Awful Fic went on...

****

CHAPTER 4

It rained. And it rained. And it rained. Duhhh.

And Sanzo was pissed. Sanzo hated the rain with a vengeance, because he had Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and could't stand it when the weather went to the bad. In fact, Sanzo was the reason why people like us use the phrase 'Under the Weather'.

And Sanzo decided that he would rather be piss drunk than pissed. So he shotgunned [1] the first bottle of vodka and went in search of another.

[1] Shotgun - to drink, usually from the bottle, at one shot, without pausing for breath. Observational evidence suggests that the only faster way to get drunk is to shotgun through a straw. Nobody quite knows why.

***

In the meantime, fs was nursing her bottle rather more slowly (because unmixed vokda buuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrns, baby!) and sulking. And all the Big Bad Memories were coming back to haunt her.

__

Donkey years ago...

fs was drunk. fs was oh-so-freaking drunk that she completely failed to notice that someone had moved Cloud 9. So she leapt from Cloud 8, expecting a nice, soft landing on the pinky piece of fluff that is Cloud 9...

and SLAM, landed SMACK on her ASS on Earth.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Nothing wakes you up like a drop from 70,000 feet. Or higher.

Or rather, it would have been a definite improvement if she had landed on her ass on _Earth_. Instead, this fic being what it was, she landed on _Sanzo_.

Both : "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

And Sanzo, being the anorexic dude with the 56 cm waist, went staggering back and landed on _his_ ass, netting a Big Phat Bruise in the process. And _glared_.

And fs, being so absolutely drunk that she was, promptly kissed him.

(sf : *whimper whimper whimper*

Muse : *whimper whimper whimper*)

***

Sanzo growled; the alcohol wasn't working fast enough to drive the memories away.

She'd _kissed_ him. That bitch had _kissed_ him. He'd never felt the same about human -- or angelic -- contact ever again. Hell, he'd never felt the same about the Gods. 

__

Gods don't help you. They just come crashing down on you and kiss you.

Fuck. 

He grabbed another bottle and shotgunned it. And another. And since he couldn't find any more vodka, settled for a very expensive bottle of Black Label Whisky. 

(At this juncture, if you'd held a lighted match to his breath, you would have an instant flame thrower).

And he shtill whasn't dfrunk, shdamnit....

But he shwas shleepy enuff to conshider going to bed.

*shtagger shtagger shtagger*

Sho he shtaggered up the shtairs *hic* and back to his shroom *hic* *hic*... (wait, did I mention that he had to leave his room to go to the kitchen to get another bottle? Oh, I didn't? Good. I can't afford to have anything as detrimental as a *gasp* _plot_ in this fic!)

*T*B*C* 

(My god! This chapter is actually funny for its own sake! o_O)

Behind the scenes - (idea stolen from Doc's Hakkai flashbacks... if you're reading this, thanks! ^_^x)

No Angels Chapter 4, take one

Sanzo growled; the alcohol wasn't working fast enough to drive the memories away.  
He grabbed another bottle and shotgunned it. And another. And another. And another. And another. 

Sanzo, finally cueing in after the 7th bottle... : What the f***? Who filled these with distilled water?!

sf : Sorry, we needed extra wash bottles for chemistry practical ^_^;;;

***

No Angels Chapter 4, take two

Sanzo growled; the alcohol wasn't working fast enough to drive the memories away.

He grabbed another bottle and shotgunned it. And another. And since he couldn't find any more vodka, settled for a very expensive bottle of Black Label Whisky. 

(At this juncture, if you'd held a lighted match to his breath, you would have an instant flame thrower).

*Gojyo sidles in and holds up a match*

*VOOOOOSSSSSSSSHHH*

...

A very long time later, after the flames are extinguished...

Sanzo to Gojyo : I guess it's a good thing. You look better with shorter hair.

Gojyo : It'll grow back -_-;;.

sf : Well, I did warn you. _.

***

No Angels Chapter 4, take three

Sho he shtaggered up the shtairs *hic* and .....

Lost his footing and went rolling down the stairs again... tra lalalala...

*SLAM SLAM SLAM*

Sanzo *very very pissed off* : OY! THIS IS NOT 'CROSSINGS', DAMNIT!

***

I have no idea where this is going, la di dah di dah dum dum dum... but then again, these fics don't _require_ plots, just tons of cheesy romance! XD

PLEEZE R/R! *sniggers and disappears*


	5. Chapter 5

And this fic being what it is, a disclaimer is necessary on every chapter :  
Do not read this. Just don't. You're asking for trouble.  
Self-insert, MS, swearing, alcoholism, blatant-cheesy-romance-scenes, bad dialogue, fanfic-author on crack. 

And the Awful Fic Trundled Along.

****

CHAPTER 5

And just to insert a _leedle leedle_ bit of non-Sanzo-centrism, Gojyo and Hakkai were currently having s--- _talking_.

Yeah, talking, that's it. No yaoi in MS fics, remember?

So they were talking, talking, talking, and since there was nothing else to talk about in this forsaken excuse for a village, they were talking about fs.

"She's an angel, isn't she?" 

"How did you guess? Oh, don't tell me... the wings and the halos and the lights gave it away?" 

"Gojyo, you don't have practice your sarcasm on me, you know."

"Oh. I don't?"

"Did you notice her eyes?"

"No. Well, I noticed that she _had_ eyes, I just didn't notice--"

"They're purple."

"Oh, that's no surprise. She has gold hair too. And a foul temper. And an alcohol habit. And she hates rain. Sounds familiar?"

"Well, yes..."

"..."

"..."

And having run of things to talk about, they proceed to have s--- to _sleep_. SLEEP! In separate beds!

***

Sanzo shtaggered up the shtairs.

And shtaggered into his room.

And because the Fates That Be (ie : the fanfic author) had switched the layout of the place on him, he stumbled into fs's room instead, and collapsed on the bed.

fs : WHAT THE SMUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?  
Sanzo : WHAT THE FUCK ARE _YOU_ DOING HERE?

fs : This is my room, damnit!  
Sanzo : This is my room, so get the hell out!

fs : My room!  
Sanzo : It's my room because I say so and I damned well paid for it, so get your ass in gear before I make you! *brandishes fan evilly*

fs : Oh, you'll make me?  
Sanzo : *evil glint in eye*. 

fs : I'd like to see you try.

And so a fight broke out. And that was how Goku found them, wrestling on the bed caught in a deadlock.

Goku : WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *screams*

Gojyo and Hakkai and promptly came running. 

Gojyo : Told you he'd do it.  
Hakkai : Oh dear. I owe you a drink, don't I?

Goku : *nosebleeding* That's... that's... Sanzo... that's...  
Sanzo : URUSAI NA! *flings paper fans at all of them.* Get the fuck out of my room! And that includes you, damn angel!

fs : Kotowaru. Huh? What did I just say?  
Hakkai : That means 'I refuse', angel-san.

fs : Name's sf. I mean, name's fs.  
sf : I disavow any relationship to fs. *nods vigorously*.

Hakkai : Hai, fs-san.  
fs : That's fs-sama to you, monocle guy!

Sanzo : Shut. The. Fuck. Up. And. Get. The. Fuck. Lost!  
Gojyo : So that you can bonk her in peace, Sanzo-sama?

There was a resounding crash as lightning zipped overhead and the Paper Fan of Doom smashed onto Gojyo's cranium. 

There was a click of a Smith and Wesson's safety catch snapping off. Sanzo, turning red from fury (and one too many bottles of vodka), levelled the Youkai Exterminating Revolver at everyone and _glared_.

Goku, Gojyo and Hakkai all turned and ran for their lives.

And fs stood in the middle of the room and laughed.

TBC, because this chapter is too long for a bad fic already. 

__

Behind the scenes again.  
No Angels, Chapter 5, Take 1.

There was a resounding crash as lightning zipped overhead and the Paper Fan of Doom smashed onto Gojyo's cranium. 

sf : I should have copyrighted 'Paper Fan of Doom' when I first used it...  
Muse : Shush, sf. The audience is listening.  
sf : You stole that from THX!   
THX : Copyright infringement!  
sf : And that, minna-san, is why I wrote an essay on copyright issues for this year's exams.

***

No Angels, Chapter 5, Take 2

There was a click of a Smith and Wesson's safety catch snapping off. Sanzo, turning red from fury (and one too many bottles of vodka), levelled the Youkai Exterminating Revolver at everyone and _glared_.

Muse : How does a single-barreled revolver point at everyone? *waves wand*

Sanzo's revolver promptly spouted four extra barrels and four extra magazines. It morphed into a belt-fed semi-auto with multiple target acquisition and ITTS and--

Zenon : HEY! That's MINE!  
Sanzo's gun sprouted another barrel, pointing at him.   
Sanzo : Care to die, kisama?

sf : *nodding in approval* And that is _much_ cooler than a single barrel 5 bullet magazine revolver.  
Sanzo, glaring : Yes, but how the _hell_ am I going to fit it into my sleeve pocket?

***


	6. Chapter 6

Further warnings : Major Sanzo-abuse. Major major Sanzo-abuse. Cheesy romance and rabid fangurrrlss, and what have you. Otaku jap.

CHAPTER 6 - To make an end.  
"What the hell are you laughing at?" Sanzo demanded.

"You, sweetheart," fs replied.

"_What the hell did you just call me?_"

"Ain't I pretty, darling?" and the blinky lights flashed.

And Sanzo keeled over. And the alcohol starting talked. "No, you're as ugly as sin, but for the sake of this fic, I'll just _pretend_ that I see something in you. Like... you're sweet. Your face resembles a sweet potato. In fact, you're so sweet that you'll probably cause _Diabetes mellitus_ and kidney failure in some poor, unfortunate soul (who, the way things are going, is probably going to be me. Oh joy.)" He glanced up. "Ooo, I'm rambling again, aren't I?"

(sf : YES! I USED IT! Bonus mission objectives accomplished! Tralalaala.)

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwww......." and because she was _that_ drunk, fs promptly kissed him.

"Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" Sanzo shoved her off and dived out of the window. 

"Ahhh!!!" fs dived out of the window after him. "Come back, Sanzo-saaammaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......." And because she was an angel, she had afterburners installed in her wings and caught up with Sanzo in no time at all. (Let's put it this way -- even _gods_ think that Sanzo runs quickly. And that's when he's _not_ fleeing from rabid fan girls.)

*GLOMP*

fs : Admit it! You love me too, because I'm dark and angsty and you're dark and angsty and nevermind that opposites attract, birds of a feather also flock together!

Sanzo : Never! *runs*

fs chases after Sanzo again. 

And Homura appeared. "Hands off, girl. He's mine!"

*ZAP*. And exploiting angelic superpowers, fs teleported Homura into a crowd of rabid Homura fans. 

Homura : AHHHHH!!!!! *is overwhelmed*

And Son Goku appeared. "RAR!" *growls* *flexes claws*. "MINE!"

And fs, being a celestial being and all that, clapped a Goku Limiter, Limited Edition, courtesy of Astarise, onto him, stuffed him full of meat buns and tossed him onto Cloud 9. 

And just to make sure that Hakkai and Gojyo didn't follow, she distracted them with.. um.. er... each other.

And Dougan, the poor, sad Sanzo-obsessed evil villian from Requiem, appeared. "But.. but... I BELONG WITH HIM! I've slaughtered a--"

*ZING* and fs banished him into the 'REQUIEM SPOILERS' box and locked the lid. 

And she turned on Sanzo.

Sanzo : Why me?

Kanzeon : Because it's amusing, dear nephew.

Sanzo : Damn you, bitch. Damn the other little bitch too.

fs : *grinning evilly*. Admit it. You love me. *GLOMPS and clings on for dear life*.

Sanzo : Argh! Get off me! Okay, I love, I love you, _now get OFF Meeeeeee!_

fs : KYYAAAAAAAAAAAa, you _said it!_ *swoons, but doesn't release death grip*.

Sanzo : Someone.. anyone... HELP!

Homura : x_X

Goku : ^_________^

Hakkai and Gojyo : *distracted. Very distracted*

Dougan : .........

Sanzo beats fs over the head until she wakes up again. "Oy, temee--"

fs : _What did you call me?!_

Sanzo : Er..... oy.. anata *chokes*..

fs : Yes, darling?

Sanzo : *blanches*. I have a slight problem. I have this mission to complete, see. Involves the future of the World As We Know It and is Vitally Important and I Can't Afford To Fall In Love because of it--

fs : Oh, that little thing. *waves wand and transforms Gyuu--whateverhisnameis into a chibi neko, turns the Minus Wave into a Plus Wave, and sets all the world to rights again.* There you go. Now we can get married, ne?

Sanzo : Help... me.... x_X

And they rode happily (or unhappily) off into the sunset.

The. End.

(If you haven't figured it out yet, 'temee' is an extremely rude form of 'you'. 'Anata' is the usual 'you', but also what a couple might say to each other. 'Omae' is usually what Sanzo uses.)

*sf bows, and disappears off into angst-land*


	7. Chapter 7 : The Sequel

****

Chapter 7 - The Sequel

() -- off stage

(Sanzo : WHAT THE ^#$@?! There's a sequel?)  
(sf : It's simple. 'No Angels' simply did not fulfill the role that I originally intended it to -- that is to say, it's message was not broadcasted with sufficient clarity. In that, it became the thing that it was supposed to spoof; a less than satistfactory outcome.)  
(Sanzo : Now...)  
(sf : *pushes Sanzo back onstage.* Darling, we have a show to run.)  
(Sanzo : WHAT THE HELL DID YOU CALL ME?!)  
(sf : ^_^)

Sanzo, seated at a writing table, reading various half-written letters/speech drafts :   
_fs, let's talk about how OOC I'm being in this fic..._ No, that wouldn't work.   
_fs, let's talk about how much I detest relationships... _no, that'll make her start crying. And I'm not fond of swimming.   
_fs, I have this policy of non-attachment..._ No, that's talking about me, and she won't listen..._   
how about : this story is supposed to be about four people journeying to the west, not about some half-baked, stupid, original female character..._

The door banged open, and fs rushed in, wide-eyed. "Sanzo! You're here!"

Sanzo, staring wryly at the boarded up windows and the bolts across the outside of the door... "Where did you _think_ I'd be?"

fs didn't lose a beat. "Sanzo, I'm... I'm... I'm..."

"Stupid?"  
"No!"  
"Idiotic?"  
"No!"  
"Moronic?"  
"What's moronic?"

Sanzo hunted for his harisen, but the Fates that Be (ie : the script), whispered in his ear : _Yo, you can't use that. Because she's female._ So he ground his teeth instead. "Forget it. So what are you?"

"I'm ... _pregnant!_" fs screamed in delight.

Sanzo blanched and charged offscreen. 

(Sanzo : Look here, sf-- when the _hell_ did that happen? I didn't.._sleep_ with that... _butt-ugly moron_, did I?!)  
(sf : Shush, at least I didn't write it in.)  
(Sanzo : You mean I _did?_)  
(sf : For the sake of the Script, let us consider it as such.)  
(Sanzo : _Kami-sama......_)  
(sf : Look at it this way. At least you're *cough* top for once.)  
(Sanzo : Damn it, you little twerp!)  
(sf : There there, I don't like uke!Sanzo either. I prefer I'll-fight-you-tooth-and-nail-until-you-tie-me-up-and-

(***This section was censored due to content unsuitable to a Mary Sue fic***)

(Sanzo : *going even whiter and slightly red*. I'll kill you for that.)  
(sf : *evil gleam in eye* My Muse has been itching to go for a Beat-him-up-so-badly-that-he-can't-move scene in one of the fics...)  
(Sanzo : Bastard.)  
(sf : Thank you. Do you want a hug?)  
(Sanzo : Damnit, _no!_)  
(sf : But I brought the kevlar and all...)  
(Sanzo : *eye twitching* Don't make this more difficult than it already is.)  
(sf : Hai... Sanzo-sama. *smiles*)

And so we continue. 

"I'm... _pregnant_!" fs screamed in delight.

Sanzo blanched.

"I'm going to have a _babbbbeeeeeee_!" the scream was Loud, getting Louder.

Sanzo covered his ears.

"I'm going to be a _mummy!_" Louder yet.

Sanzo hunched down, muttering "_Why?!"_ under his breath.

"Darling, you're going to be a _daddy!_" fs screamed, and glomped him.

Sanzo : I don't care what they say about her being female... *whips out fan and bashes fs -- hard -- over the head.*

Lightning flashed. And a voice spoke : "Since she's the only female you've ever whacked, she must be something Special."

Sanzo glared. "Yes, she's just the most incapacitatingly _stupid, simpering, screaming_ little female character I've encountered in more than a dozen mary-sue fics!"

And the voice spaketh : "And this is So. Because this is the Mary Sue Fic to Endeth All Others."

"Stop with the funny accent already!"

And so the voice withdrew, with a perky : "Have fun!"

TBC *cough* *smirk* *cough*.


	8. Chapter 8 : The nightmare continues

Chapter 8 - The Nightmare Continues

() -- off stage

Warnings : Relentless jibes at badfic. Crazy mary sues. High risk of drowning. Extreme and utter Sanzo abuse. Sucky, sucky formatting, because sf decided to be a lazy ass and not do anything about it... Have a taste of your own medicine, all ye lazy fanfic authors! *evil laughter* 

"When did you find out?" Sanzo asked wearily.

"Just!" fs crowed.

"How long has it been..."

"Just!"

"How long have you had the baby, you moron!"

"Ohhh. I'd say.. about 2 hours.."

(sf : *coughing delicately*. The script reads : one and a half months.)

(Sanzo : Thanks. Or no thanks. Get me out of this mess, you sadistic fanfic author, you!)

(sf : *flashing the 'President of the Sanzo-abuse fanclub' badge*. Who, me?)

(Sanzo : Bastard.)

(sf : Thank you.)

Sanzo : Alright, so what do we do now?

(sf : Hey, check this out -- the lazy fanfic author's way of writing badfic! By leaving out all the descriptors and pretending that it's a play! Who needs x said, x replied, etc etc when you can just replace all that with colons? It'll probably save on the spelling errors too!)

fs : I... dunno! *smiles brightly*.

Sanzo : ... Moron.

fs : Actually, since I'm an angel, I might have an accelerated pregancy...

Sanzo : *very slowly* ... Accelerated?

fs : Yep. And since this is an MS fic that isn't interested in plot, pacing, or anything that concerns the passing of time, I'll probably have the baby within the next chapter or so. Isn't that.... _exciting_? *glomp*

Sanzo : Oioioi! Stop that! You'll hurt the kid! 

(sf : Nice excuse, Sanzo-sama.)

(Sanzo : Urusee......!!)

fs : *wailing* _You don't luvvvvv meeeeee!_

  
The room began to flood with tears. 

Sanzo : This has _got _to be why I hate rivers. *deep sigh* There there, I love you, now stop crying before we all drown.

fs : Yay, you love me! *bursts into tears of joy*.

(Sanzo : Director! I need a life raft!)

(sf : *glug glug glug*)

(Muse : *bubble bubble bubble*)

(sf : *bubblebubble CUT! bubblebubble*)

--

This chapter has been cut short, owing to technical difficulties. We will resume the normal badfic soon.

--

****

Oiiiiiii!!!!!! REVIEW! BCOS I ASKS U 2!!!!!!!!! (Nevermind that this chapter isn't even long enough to be called a 'chapter'.)


	9. Chapter 8a : The nightmare continues, ta...

Chapter 8a -- The Nightmare Continues, Take 2

Warnings : Crazy Mary Sues, stupid jokes, hastily written unbetaed fic characteristic of the run of the mill fanfic these days... Relentless fic bashing. 

(sf : *coughing water out of nose* To continue where we left off ...)  
(Sanzo : I need a break.)  
(Muse : I need a hazelnut coffee.)  
(fs : I don't need a break! *giggles*)  
(sf, sf's Muse and Sanzo : GET OUT OF HERE!)

Sanzo : So, what do we do next?

fs : I dunno! *smiles brightly. So brightly, in fact, that Sanzo has to scramble backstage to pick up a pair of Uber-cool-Sanzo-ikkou shades. Check out our catalogue -- in Act #1 of Saiyuki RELOAD -- for pictures.*

(sf : Actually, most of their coolness value stems from the fact that they're on *Sanzo*. But let's not get more offtrack than we already are...)  
(Muse : This is an MS fic. 'Off track' holds no meaning.)  
(sf : Right.)

Sanzo : *returning with shades* Alright, so how fast will this... baby ... arrive?

fs : I dunno!  
Sanzo : What do you mean 'you don't know?!'. You're the mother! You should know!   
fs : And you're the father! You should know too!  
Sanzo : *groans* Damn idiotic original female characters...

(sf : We interrupt the fic with an entirely pointless author note. Because that's the fashion, these days.)

fs : look @ me! I speek in pidgin speech! I wuv u! frenz 4eva!!!

(sf : *grabs Muse* When did this happen? When?!)  
(Muse : I don't know...)  
(sf : CHANGE IT! NOW! I ABHORE SUCH SPEECH!)  
(Muse : Everyone in the country speaks and spells as such, sf.)  
(sf : WHICH IS WHY I HATE IT! *bristles*)  
(Muse : *bows* Consider it done. *whacks fs*)

fs : Owie. What happened?   
Sanzo : "..."

And so they---

(sf : Let's see. I ran out of inspiration half way, so let me talk about me. I just received a mail from some unknown spammer. The subject? 'Does your baby talk?' [1] Heyyyyy, Sanzo! Does your baby talk?)  
(Sanzo : How the f*ck! Would I know?!!!) [2]  
(sf : Profusion of exclaimation marks. You're in bad shape, Sanzo.)  
(Sanzo : It gets worse the longer I stay in this fic.)

[1] -- This was an actual event, not planned.   
[2] -- This was an actual typo, not deliberate.

(sf : Lookie! Footnotes placed inconveniently so as to interrupt the flow of the fic!)  
(Muse : A masterful touch!)

And so we skip to the future, because I can't think of what to write in between here. You know, I'm just typing this to increase the word count...

--

*zing*.

__

Several months later, because sf's biology text is buried in the cupboard and who cares about scientific accuracy, anyway?  
And because these things are just irresistible..

fs : Sanzo! I want cavier on marmalade with mango chutney and jelly fish!  
Sanzo : *gasping for breath* But I just got you the durians with whipped cream and parmesan cheese...  
fs : But I don't want that any more! I want blueberries with red rice and a half boiled egg.  
Sanzo : Look, can we talk about an abortion here? I don't want the baby--  
fs : _You don't want my baby? How could you not want my baby?  
_Sanzo : I'm not ready to be a father.  
fs : _But it's our baby!  
_Sanzo : Do you want it?  
fs : Of course I want it! I also want luncheon meat with pepper corns and lemon rind and mozarella ice cream!  
Sanzo : Doushite? _Doushite?????!!_ (Because it's so much more fun to yell 'Doushite?!!' than 'Why?!!!' ^_____^)  
fs : Because it's _mine!_ And how could you even _suggest_ an abortion? You're going to kill it! KILL IT IN COLD BLOOD! You... you horrible man! *bursts into tears*.  
Sanzo : *wearing a sign reading 'I've slaughtered so many youkai I lost count along the way'* Alright, alright, calm down... _before you drown all of us again!_

sf : Fear not. I've improved the drainage.  
Sanzo : But it's getting clogged up with durian with whipped cream and parmesan cheese.  
sf : DAMN.

fs : You horrible man! Go get me broiled quail with shark's fins and pine cones!  
Sanzo : That's not environmentally friendly, fs.  
fs : I DON'T CARE! I want christmas pudding with marshmellow sauce and emu meat!!!!! And if you don't get it I'm going to KEEP SPEAKING IN CAPITALS!  
Sanzo : *fleeing the scene* Right away!

***  
TBC  
***

****

Whaddya mean I only got _3_ reviews for the last chapter?! That's disasterous! I don't care that the chapter has barely been up for 8 hours... I _demand MORE REVIEWS! Or I won't continue this fic!_ Gggrrrr! 

****

sf : **Where are my legions of adoring fans?! Reviews only I ask ! Let me write, then come! I summon you to the Stone of Erech!**

(Quoted and mutilated from the Lord of the Rings.)

On a totally unrelated note, we must not forget to insert** bOlD foNtS wItH sTuPiD cApItAlIzAtIoN iN tHe AuThOr nOtEs. **


	10. Chapter 9 : OOCness Prevails

--

sierra -- Hi, and thanks for the reviews (other fics, namely ATA and TSB, inclusive) ^^. But a pregnant Sanzo? *gasps in mock horror and shock* Not in a _Mary Sue fic!_ The horror! The abomination! A _male-preg_ in a female centric fanfiction?!! 

On the otherhand, may I recommend Kanzeon's 'Something in the Water'?   
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=595393

Kanzeon -- life jacket muchly appreciated, yes yes. *nods vigorously*

kit, Doc, etc -- Have fun reviewing!! ^^

jashuang -- Don't worry if you can't understand what's going on. You're not supposed to. ^^;;

kei -- Thanks for the suggestion!

Chapter 9 - OOCness prevails  
Warnings : Major, major OOCness. Have sick bags on hand.  
Also the longest chapter in this fic. Enjoy. 

( ) -- off stage.

(sf : *stares at monitor*)  
(sf's Muse : *wanders in* sf?)  
(sf : Hai..ai?)  
(Muse : *whack*. No question marks in Japanese! Your sensei would be most distressed!)  
(sf : Hai...ai.)  
(Muse : What's the matter?)  
(sf : I can't think of how to continue this.)  
(Muse : You can't think of how to continue a stupid fic? For crying out loud, sf, these things don't need plots *or* elaboration! Just fast-forward as necessary!)  
(sf : Sou ka. Wakarimashita.)

So we plunge several more months into the future, where fs is about to have a baby.

fs : I'm going to have a babbeeeeeeee!!!

And just because she's an Original Female Character, a hospital automatically pops up in fs-land, complete with gynecologists, ultra-scans and stuff.

Sanzo : *arriving in the waiting room*. What the...?  
sf : A hospital, Sanzo-sama. Your wife's baby is due.  
Sanzo : But I just got back with the christmas pudding with marshmellow sauce and emu meat from the last chapter! And she's not my wife!  
sf : Your wife won't need it any more.  
Sanzo : ARGH! Damnit! And she's not my wife!   
sf : Well, it's _your_ kid. Would you rather be accused of sleeping around and having a child out of wedlock?  
Sanzo : Have I told you lately that I hate you? (from the song : Have I told you lately that I love you.) *throws christmas pudding with marshmellow sauce and emu meat out of the window, where it splats merrily off stage* 

sf : *hands Sanzo new script*  
Sanzo : *glances at script*. It says to wait here in the waiting room.  
sf : Yup. You wouldn't want to be in there right now.

Sanzo : *waits* *waits some more* 

What do you want to do next?  
Sanzo Wait  
You have waited  
Sanzo Wait some more  
You have waited some more  
Sanzo Goddamnit!

sf : Since that evidently doesn't work, we need to pass some time. And just because I think this totally unrelated scene is funny (as in, stupid-funny), I've decided to throw it in.

sf : *plunking down on chair next to Sanzo*.   
Sanzo : *following script*. So... I hear voices. *not following script* So can you recommend me to a mental asylum? It's better than being in this mad house.  
sf : No can do. So what kind of voices do you hear?  
Sanzo : *rolling eyes* Yours, for one.   
sf : Well, duh.  
Sanzo : I don't know! Every damn fanfic author seems to like to throw in the damn 'voice' thing in their damn fics! It's driving me nuts!  
sf : I'm sorry.  
Sanzo : You ought to be! You've done the same in TLSS and TSB! And _hallucinations_ in ATA! Give it a break, man! And I bet you'll do the same in CTS!   
(Acronyms for sf's fics as follows :   
TLSS - Till the Loneliness Shadows the Sky, TSB - The Shadows Beyond, ATA - And Time Again, CTS - Count the Stars)  
sf : *hangs head*. I was going to.  
Sanzo : Knock it off! It's entirely overdone! So's the _rain_ thing! I don't angst _everytime it rains!_ I only started doing so when this stupid journey started! You can check Volume #2 of the manga for yourself!  
sf : It only began raining in the series in Volume #2, Sanzo-sama.  
Sanzo : Well, _yes_, but it still says that I hadn't dreamnt about that whole When-I-was-13 fiasco for a long time! And I was happy about that! But no, you crazy fanfic authors have to turn me into a sobbing bundle of nerves _everytime it rains!  
_sf : I'm sorry.  
Sanzo : You ought to be! And while you're at it, you can stop _beating me into a pulp in every single one of your fictions!  
_sf : Um... but oftentimes I *need* you beaten into a pulp for plot development.  
Sanzo : And other times?!  
sf : And other times it just happens. Like in ATA. It was totally unplanned, I swear. Unlike that up and coming scene in TLSS--  
Sanzo : *turning pale* _What scene?  
_sf : Sorry, I don't do spoilers.  
Sanzo : _Naze?!  
_Muse : *whack* No question marks in Japanese.  
Sanzo : *brandishing harisen* But this is a stupid fic with otaku jap, which means that grammatical rules -- for _any_ language whatsoever -- don't apply. *WHACK*  
Muse : *staggering* Itai yo...

--

Alright, and because that scene grew rather longer than expected, sf declares that the Due Amount of Time has passed, and the show may go on.

fs : *screams* _Where is he? Where is my honey bunny? Where is my darling?  
_Sanzo : *winces*. Italics..

(sf : She's calling for you, honey bunny.)  
(Sanzo : I'm _not_ going in there.)  
(Muse : *whacks Sanzo with the Wand-of-OOCness* There you go.)

Sanzo : *springing up from seat* Darling! I'm sorry! I'll be there right away!

(sf : I need a sick bag. *throws up*)

fs : Oh darling!  
Sanzo : *tears streaming down cheeks* I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...

(sf : Sorry for what?)  
(Muse : Nothing. It doesn't matter.)

fs : *hugs Sanzo* It's alright, I forgive you.  
Sanzo : *hugs fs* Be strong! You can do it!

(sf : Oi! We're having a _birth scene_ here!)  
(Muse : Sorry, the Wand-of-OOCness is hard to control...)

[Many screams and the usual stuff later]

fs : Oh darling, we have a boy!  
Sanzo : It's a boy!   
fs : It has your eyes! And your hair! And your nose! And your everything!

(sf : Well. Duh. It's a boy. It's bound to have *some* of Sanzo's traits.)  
(Muse : Including the bad temper, yo.)

Sanzo : It has red eyes.   
(sf : That's because it's been crying.)   
Sanzo : It has red hair.  
(sf : That's because kei, the wicked reviewer of the East, suggested it.)

Sanzo : It's a damn halfbreed!

Gojyo : I RESENT THAT!

(sf : Of course. It's a union between kami and mortal.. well, sort of, since fs is an angel. It'll have pretty lil golden eyes when it stops crying.)

Sanzo : Look! Daddy bought something for you! *hands chibi-Sanzo a tiny Smith and Wesson*

*chibi-Sanzo promptly shoots daddy Sanzo*

[Many screams and the usual stuff later]

Sanzo : *marching back into waiting room* Keep that _thing_ away from me.  
sf : But he's cute! (So are you, actually.)  
Sanzo : *death glares*  
sf : *melts into a puddle of drool*  
Muse : *discretely, to Sanzo* sf's obsessed with your death glares, Sanzo-sama.  
Sanzo : I give up. This is a mad house. *storms out*

sf : At least the effects of the Wand-of-OOCness wore off.  
Muse : Um. Yeah.

TBC

(sf : So what do we call the kid? Fsanzo? Fanzo?)  
(Muse : Are you _kidding?_ The poor thing will be traumatized for _life!_)  
(sf : Sanzofs.)  
(Muse : It lacks a certain... ring to it....)  
(Sanzofs : _Wahhhhhhhh!!!_)


	11. Chapter 10 and 10 and a half

****

The Effect of Having Multiple-Fic-Disorder, or too many fics to write and too little time. Much swearing.  
sf : What the hell? I want this damn fic over and done with!  
Muse : Calm down...  
sf : I want it DONE! GONE! Away from my Multiple-fic-disorder! I still have 'No Devils' if I really want to write crap!  
Muse : May I ask what triggered this?  
sf : The usual. Bad fic.  
Muse : I'm sorry. Shall we make an end?  
sf : Damned if I know how.  
Muse : And it's below your dignity to simply slap a 'The End' right here without resolving anything. I understand. I'll think of something.  
sf : *clutches Sanzo and wails*

--

****

Chapter 10 - Obligatory angst  
(Muse : This is just because even bad fic needs some horribly melodramatic angst.)

sf : *wandering into Sanzo's room*  
Sanzo : *loading Smith and Wesson*. Fanfic author.  
sf : Yes?  
Sanzo : *snaps magazine into place* This has gone on long enough.  
sf : Perhaps.  
Sanzo : *cocks hammer and chambers the round* I've decided to put an end to it.  
sf : *wearily* You can't kill her, Sanzo. She's an angel. And you can't kill me either. I'm a fanfic author. And you can't kill yourself, because I won't let you. 'sides, there's still 'No Devils'.  
Sanzo : You know, you might have had a good idea in the beginning, but it got way out of hand.  
sf : It wasn't a _good_ idea. I was furious and decided to write some Truly Awful Fic to show the rest of the world what Truly Awful Fic was. It got mixed up with the rest of the Bad Fics and became indistinguishable. It became the very sort of fic it was supposed to condemn.  
Sanzo : So let's end it before it goes any further.  
sf : But what about the plethora of original characters we've left around? You wouldn't kill your own son, Sanzo-sama.  
Sanzo : I will if he keeps up that infernal racket!  
sf : So you say. But we all know that you're a sweet, repressed character who loves all his companions.  
Sanzo : You're absolutely certain that I can't kill you?  
sf : Absolutely.  
Sanzo : So what _are_ you going to do, Power that Is?  
sf : *angsts*. I don't know! I've allowed this monstrosity to get out of hand and I don't even know how to kill it!  
Sanzo : *angsts* I'm stuck here _forever_...  
sf : *clutches Sanzo* I'm so unhappy!!!  
Sanzo : *shoves sf away* I'm equally unhappy!  
sf : *ANGST*  
Sanzo : *ANGST*

And it starts to rain.

(Sanzo : I _told_ you to leave off the rain scenes?)  
(sf : But but but...)  
(Sanzo : Argh!)

Sanzo : For the sake of the script... *major, major angst. Flashbacks of -- Oh my god, he's dead! And I miss everyone! Angst angst angst. And I shouldn't have been so mean to Goku! Angst angst angst! And I shouldn't have hit him so often! Angst angst angst! Etcetc!* There, are you _happy_ yet?

sf : I'm still unhappy.

And so it went on.

(Muse : There you have your obligatory angst scene. Now let's see about the ending.)  
(sf : But should we end it? What if we decide to continue it? It has so much ... potential, as much as I hate to say it.)  
(Muse : Sanzofs could always make an appearance in 'No Devils'.)  
(sf : Damn original characters. Breeding like spawn.)  
(Muse : Spawn doesn't breed. Not immediately, at least)  
(sf : Whatever.)

****

Chapter 10.5 -- Domestic Concerns

Sanzofs : Uwahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!  
Sanzo : URUSAI! *grabs S&W*  
fs : *grabs Sanzo* You wouldn't! You horrible man!  
Sanzo : Oh brilliant. Domestic quarrels already.  
fs : You should know better! After Goku and Lirin...  
Sanzo : Yes yes, the harisen's the fastest way of shutting them up...  
fs : No! Not the harisen! You'd break his head and make him a permanent retard!  
Sanzo : ...... _Fine_. You spoil him.  
fs : That's a mother's job.  
Sanzo : *grabs a nikuman* But he can't chew! He doesn't have teeth yet!  
(sf : We're not concerned with biological accuracy here.)  
Sanzo : *shrugs* If you say so. *throws the bun to Sanzofs*  
Sanzofs : *grabs bun and starts quaffing happily. Teeth? Who needs teeth when you can swallow a meatbun whole?*

fs : There, isn't that _much_ better, darling?  
Sanzo : I thought that women stopped all of this nonsense after childbirth.

(sf : Not _original_ _female characters_. They're a breed unto themselves.)

Sanzo : May I point out that--  
fs : Honey, let's have another baby!  
Sanzo : _Already?  
_fs : Of course! I'm an angel!  
Sanzo : What does that have to do with anything?  
fs : *giggling*. It doesn't!  
Sanzo : Oh. Right. Intelligence.  
fs : *throwing Sanzofs at Sanzo* You have to change the baby, darling.  
Sanzo : Why _me_?  
fs : Because I say so!  
Sanzo : You know, fs. Let's just _dump him in the river_. He'll be picked up by a kind and understanding master and will rise to fame one day... just like his daddy. (And get hit on by some stupid original female character...)  
fs : Oooo, I would love to do that, but that'd mean I'd have to _give him up_!  
Sanzo : That's the point.  
fs : How could you even suggest that?  
Sanzo : Because.. well... he's a brat!

(sf : *pokes Sanzo with the Wand-of-OOCness*)  
(Sanzo : What?!)  
(sf : You're a softy who loves kids.)

*zing*

Sanzo : Awwwwww, isn't he just _adorable_?   
Sanzofs : Uwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!  
Sanzo : *pops another nikuman into Sanzofs' mouth* Awwwww, just shut up now, will you?  
Sanzofs : ^_^  
fs : You have a way with kids, Sanzo-darling.

And so they lived happily until the next chapter.

--

Elsewhere, courtesy of kei :

A youkai, previously seen as a third stone statue from left in Eden episode, dances around fire, chanting: "Thy will be done, Wuhan-sama! The f***ing s.o.b. who couldn't keep his f***ing hands of my Hiei and had to make him go in pieces....... He's got his just desserts coming now..... He's a father!"

--

sf : Since this chapter isn't even remotely funny, I'm calling an end. Until the next time... 

And besides, I've been dying to post this for a while. 

****

No Angels Mission Statement  
For those who've missed the point.

Alright. How do I say this...?

I abhore original female characters. I detest them. I always have and always will. 

Muse : And you are...?  
sf : An asexual bacterium. I don't have the F pili and I reproduce by binary fission... if at all.  
Muse : Riiiiiight.

And I absolutely despise bad fanfiction, as characterized by characters acting plain weird, exaggeration of Sanzo's aloofness to make him into an Evil!Bastard, non-existent spelling, fics written like plays with no descriptors what so ever, etc etc. 

So how do I explain this ficcie?

'No Angels' is not a fic. 'No Angels' is a fic parody -- a spoof of all the Mary Sue fics I've read. It's a gross exaggeration of many of them, posed to be deliberately derogatory and deliberately stupid. If it actually discourages future stupid fics along this line, if it actually points out to authors that sTuPiD cApItAlIzAtIoN, weepy!Sanzo, all-powerful-self-inserts, and other elements that I've slammed throughout the fic are not generally what makes a good fic, then my mission is accomplished.

That's what I intended it to do. Evidently, I did the parody _too_ well.

sf, December 27th 2002.

---


End file.
